Phil’s Tel Aviv Travel Log – Part 1
So I left Friday morning for a business trip to the Middle East. My wife dropped me off at the airport in Kalamazoo at 8:30am. Flight to Detroit went off without any problems.
Then the fun started.
So the flight is packed….families with screaming kids…college kids with backpacks as big as they are….I think I even heard chickens and a goat at one point.
We board….all is going well…always get on as soon as possible, and get your dang bag in the overhead ASAP. Then sit and chuckle at everyone else as they struggle to find a place to stow the bags they stuffed their grandparents into. They should have just bought them a ticket like everyone else.
We wait
and wait
and wait
Uh Oh….Radar/routing equipment failure in the New York area…all flights in and out are stopped. Should be fixed in about an hour.
we wait
and wait
Yeah!….all better! Time to go….Only an hour behind, but no problem, I have a 5 hour connection in New York.
Push out and Taxi
Dang kids playing with the flight attendant call button
cut it out kid
stop it
um oops
he broke it
“Uh folks, it looks like we have to go back to the gate to get this looked at”
“Uh folks, we’re here here at the gate, but there’s no one to park us….it’s shift change time”
“Uh folks…still trying to fiond someone to park us”
“Uh folks”
“Uh folks”
Approximately an hour passes.
“Okay folks, we’ve got someone to park us now”
“Please stay on the plane, as it should only take a few minutes to correct the problem”
“Uh folks…..we’re going to have to have you deplane so that the mechanics can remove a bulkhead panel”
Wait in line at the gate for about 45 minutes
“For those of you on flight 126 to JFK, that flight has been cancelled. I can help the next ten people inline, but then I have to off duty. The rest of you need to go to the rebooking center down the concourse”
Run
Run
Run
Another line…I’m about 50 people back.
10 minutes pass….1 person is taken care of. We all get really excited and optimistic.
NOT
Bail on the line and grab a courtesy phone. Nicolette is very nice, and tries the stby thru Atlanta thing, but I know my routes. Please confirm thru Amsterdam. “Will do Mr Brylowski”
So I go take a nap at the gate for the Amsterdam flight. While I’m sleeping, the airline gods decide that I’m a suitable replacement for Odysseus, and I must travel and suffer for a year before I can return home.
So I wake up, still two hours to the Amsterdam flight. There is also one leaving in about 30 minutes from another gate, so I wander down there to stby. I tell them I’m from the later flight (this becomes important in a few minutes), but they say sorry, they’re very full, and most likely will have no seats. I hang out anyway, just to see what happens, but it leaves with every seat full, and people running up at the last minute. Hmmmm I wonder where these late people were coming from?
So I wander down to my gate for the later Amsterdam flight. Large mob at the counter, and it’s 90 minutes to departure. Uh Oh.
Wait in line
wait
rumors are flying…They downgraded to a smaller plane…some of us will be left behind…they’re offering flight vouchers for $200 and next day transportation….then $400….Then $600….Then $750! I can’t accept. I have to get there. I get to the counter and the agent informs me that I have no seat. They tried to get as many people on the earlier flight (!!!!!!!!), but I wasn’t around when they were doing this. “But I was at the other gate and told them I was on the later flight! I was already there!” Apparently being in the right place at the right time is unexpected behavior, and what I was supposed to do was get rebooked at this gate, and then run 1 mile in less than 3 minutes to cath the earlier flight. That obviously makes more sense than actually showing up at the earlier flight 30 minutes prior, and letting them know that you are on the later flight, and asking for a seat. Apparently sweat and panic are required ingredients for an enjoyable flying experience.
So I’m told that unless they get enough volunteers, that I will be involuntarily denied boarding. Not happy, but I’m also at the mercy of the sick humor of the air travel gods, and they are not to be trifled with, so it’s best to blaspheme them under your breath so they don’t hear you.
They start boarding the flight
Why not leave that pack of kids from some high school french club behind? Couldn’t they all use a nice voucher? I guess not. Blowing mom and dads money on a so called “learning trip” outranks any thought of returning the favor to mom and dad by handing them a $750 travel voucher as a token of appreciation. Dang kids these days.
So it’s over, and about 40 of us are staring down these gate agents, who proceed to placate us with offers of upgrades and cash payouts. Being upstanding citizens of a consumer society, most of us camly accept. They tase the others, and haul them away to reconditioning camps to instill in them the proper frame of mind for their future travels. As they are dragged away by the Gestapo, kicking and screaming, the rest of us congratulate each other on our mixed fortunes. After all, the past is the past, and the flight is already gone, but look at the bright side, we all get $800 cash, some meal vouchers, a hotel room, and upgrades on flights the next day.
So I grab this big wad of paper with all the vouchers, and get told to take my vouchers to the ticket counter in the morning to get my cash. Sweet! Cash is always nice, and it will go towards a nice vacation with the family later this year.
Hotel…..yuck…..Hotel Bar….yuck…..but it’s a place to sleep.
In 18 hours, I travelled 125 miles.
But at least I have my clothes. NEVER CHECK YOUR BAGS! If you can’t carry it on, it’s not worth taking. I stand by this, and it left me much better off than all those people that checked their bags, and were told that they could not get them. Supposedly, the bags were locked up last nite, and would be put on the flight with them the next day.
Yeah right. Obviously these people think the air travel gods are kind and benevolent, when we all know they are more closely related to the likes of Loki or Coyote the Trickster.
So I wake up and jump on the computer in the hotel lobby, and install Skype and Notepadplusplus on my flash stick, thinking I’ll use them to get some homework done on this crappy cafe laptop at the airport. That computer in the hotel was wide open. I could have gone anywhere and install anything. Heck, it even let me reboot! Crazy.
So I grab the shuttle to the airport, and head up the ticket counter. First class checking for me today. I sure don’t feel first class though…hotel beds suck.
The nice lady at the counter listens to my story, as I present the two $400 vouchers, and kindly ask her to redeem it in small unmarked bills. She gives me the look down over the tops of her glasses. Uh Oh. We all know that look.
“Let me go talk to my supervisor”
I can already heart he travel gods laughing hysterically. Rolling around on the ground, hugging their godlike bellys to control their mirth, as they point at the puny insignificant mortal that is I.
The agent comes back with the supervisor, respendent in her red coat of power.
“I’m sorry Mr. Brylowski, but you were misinformed. These are vouchers towards future travel on our wonderful airline”
Jaw drops…..hits floor.
Strange garbled noises start coming out of my mouth….I start to twitch a little bit too. I see the gendarmes with the cattle prods heading my way. Got to get it under control, or I’ll be biting a mouhtpiece as they apply the electrodes.
“Serenity Now!”
They stop heading my way, but stand by idly, slapping their batons into the palms of their hands. It’s quite effective.
Okay, so it turns out that the only cash they can offer for my inconvenience is $200, or I can keep the $800 in vouchers. I call the family CFO, and she makes the call to keep the vouchers. I slouch away from the ticket counter in defeat. The gods have had their way again.
So here I sit in an internet cafe at Detrot Metro, waiting for a flight to Atlanta. This laptop is locked down so tight I can’t download anything, let alone run anything, flash stick or otherwise. So I’m reduced to posting, but my heart just isn’t in it yet.
But at least my flight to Atlanta is first class, right?
I think I hear the gods laughing again.
Phil
I am still waiting for part two.